The Recruiter

Recruiters – salt of the Earth. You know exactly where you stand, they pride themselves on honesty, integrity and go above and beyond when trying to do the right thing for you. They really do have your interests at the heart of every decision they make. This is what I imagine a recruiter writing when trying to describe their profession. Recently I have attempted to get a new job. Moving forward I would prefer to stick my head in the oven at a balmy 180 rather than deal with these people.

To give you a bit of background I work in IT. I am not particularly good at what I do but I get by. My CV clearly states that my whole life has been IT. Read through my key skills – business analysis, an understanding of SCRUM methodologies, can even fix the odd server. So, I am on the hunt for jobs that are in the IT field. I don’t mind attempting to be a project manager – even though I don’t know how to use MS Project, that I can’t organise people and I certainly can’t motivate them to do anything for me. Why would they do anything for me? I am like Mr Barrowclough from Porridge – a decent enough guy but horribly limited and certainly not someone you’d follow into war. If I can’t motivate myself why would people complete tasks for me to a deadline. It’s not going to happen. I accept that, I know I’d be a flawed Project Manager but I’d give it a shot. God loves a trier, especially at £425 a day.

So I start sending the CV, the CV that states I have worked my whole life in IT, out to potential recruiters. I get a phone call a full four minutes after sending my CV off to “Jobs not Yobs”. I suppose if you send a CV off to a recruiter with a name like Jobs not Yobs then you know you’re unlikely to land that dream position.

“Hi, Stan speaking” 
“Hi is that Stan” Why do people do this? I have just said that ‘Stan’ is speaking so it is unlikely you are speaking with an Alan.

“Yes” 
“This is Zayn, from Jobs not Yobs. How are you today?” Zayn doesn’t care how I am. I toy with replying “Not good, my nan has just died” but it’s unfair on Zayn.

“Yeh I am ok thanks, how are you?” I don’t care how he is but I throw Zayn a bone. Poor guy. 
“Good man, good. Great weather today isn’t it? Can’t wait to get home and put the BBQ on” chill out Zayn. The first page of the recruiter manual, in fact any social manual, is to talk about the weather. The amount of conversations I’ve had about the weather is embarrassing. I am feeling more and more like Andrea McLean. Always felt that Andrea was an underutilised member of the GMTV team – but she has at least gone on to do great things within the Loose Women environment.

Zayn then proceeds to blow smoke up my a*** and tells me what an incredible CV I have. Is Zayn looking at the same CV? It’s limited at best. I dedicate a whole bullet point to being a concise communicator, but ironically it takes me 3 lines of text to sum up just what a concise communicator I am. Zayn is impressed I have been at the same company for so long – he says that will go in my favour, that I am clearly loyal. Poor, naive, Zayn.

To give Zayn some credit he seems genuinely keen to ‘marry my skills with a suitable role’. He lives for corporate talk, he tells me that he will ‘touch base’ with me next week and wondered if I was interested in a ‘chat and chew’ at some point next week. A ‘chat and chew’ sounds like two immigrant children who have arrived at our country with nothing but a dream. Suddenly Zayn gets incredibly excited

“Are you sitting down Stan?” Zayn asks. I am not really sure how to respond. 
“I have just found you the perfect job” he says. 
“Great, what is it?” I ask. 
“A big multinational blue chip…” every job that comes from a recruiters mouth seems to be multinational, and always seem to blue chip. I have no idea what blue chip is? If it is not McCain’s I am just not interested.

“A big multinational blue chip company needs someone experienced to run their canteen” What Zayn has done here, like all recruiters do, is completely ignore my CV, what job I want, what job I can do. Where on my CV does it say I can run a canteen?

“I know this isn’t something you’ve had experience in before but I really think your skills lend their self to this type of role and could imagine you being a big success in this arena” Zayn, oh Zayn. How on earth can fixing a server lend itself to the catering business? He continues to try and sell it to me. Just give it up Zayn.

“Ok, so I can see you’re not that enamoured with that idea. How do you feel about construction?” How do I feel about construction? Zayn’s lost it here. I know you are working on commission man but please! Construction?

“I don’t have any experience Zayn” 
“You don’t need any” replies Zayn. I am just not sure if that is true. Surely the construction industry requires you to be aware of MDF, the ability to handle a hammer. So now I have a problem. I need to get off this call with Zayn. Zayn has my number, I can’t just hang up because the big man will ring and continue to ring, always at the most inappropriate times. Zayn will become obsessed. The decision I have is an obvious one – I have to get a new phone, a new number and be rid of Zayn forever.

Poor Zayn. He is still talking unaware I am about to hang up and chuck my sim in the toilet.