The Interview

The interview. Ah the interview. Where you try and make yourself appear more interesting than what you actually are. Where you lie through your back teeth claiming credit for that new IT system, or that multi million pound idea that you know was Ward’s. Where you shake someone’s hand limply despite practicing the ‘stranglehold’ technique. It is a minefield. And sometimes the mines blow up.

It all started when I put my CV together. I claimed I knew how to develop in Java, was proficient in SQL, was the creator of the Stan Bennett Foundation for Seals and under additional skills ‘could speak German fluently’. I don’t really know why I did this. Well I do, it is because when you are faced with a blank bit of paper and you asked to write what you’ve ever achieved in 2 pages you suddenly realise just how little you’ve done. How much of life you’ve wasted. You realise what an incredibly dull person you really are. It is at this moment you ask ‘why wasn’t I sacked earlier’. you understand why you were single – previous jobs ‘Meat packing assistant (couldn’t even get the managers role)’, ‘Sales assistant for Build a Bear Factory’, ‘Business Analyst’. My word. I don’t even want to speak to me. How boring am I? I couldn’t even write two pages – 16 years of employment and I’ve done nothing except build bears, sell beef, learnt how to spell analyst and figured out how to use a printer. I had to make it more interesting, I wanted a job after all. I initially thought Java was a type of tea but found it is some sort of programming language – I thought ‘why not’, I’d stick it down and see what happened. SQL – I saw a lot of SQL based jobs, thought it wouldn’t do any harm having that little beauty under additional skills. Every employer loves a charity, trouble is I have never done anything in life except play Call of Duty. The idea of helping others, whilst appealing, would mean effort, desire and ambition. Three things that I sorely lack. I thought I could invent a foundation – the Stan Bennett Foundation for Seals. Why seals? I was watching Blue Planet at the time. Next up the foreign language – now I remembered how to say ‘In Southend, there are water sports opportunities’ – I learned this for my GCSE German Oral. I failed. I thought though that it could be kind of neat to put on the CV, another string to their proverbial bow.

CV written I hunted down a job. I found one. It was a contracting job for a ‘Business Analyst’. That was all it said – no real information as to what skills were required, what I was expected to do, who I’d be working for. It did say I’d earn £400 a day – perfect.

The interview was at 11am with a man named Alan. I sat in the lobby of this company, reading The Times. This may have been the first time I had read a newspaper in my life. Alan approached me and stuck out his hand. My hand was dripping. I was, what the kids say, ‘beading’. Sweating. Badly. I shook Alan’s hand and such was the build up of sweat my hand slid off his. An awful start. We went in to this little room where Alan sat me down.

“So, why do you want the job, shoot?” Alan said. I started cracking up. I know I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t help it. I’d watched the Office the night before and Alan was David Brent. A small tubby man who used the word ‘shoot’. “What’s funny” said a surprised Alan. This was not a good start. Not good at all. I managed to awkwardly get through the question, I think – threw out all the classics – I’ve always wanted to work here bla bla bla.

Question 2. “So, I see you come from an extensive SQL and Java base. Do you know any PHP or are your skills just with SQL? Also, what do you make of JQuery?”. Oh. My. God. PHP? What the hell is that? Sounds a bit like something a woman goes through later on in her life but I doubt it is that? JQuery? Is that a person? As in first name Jay surname Query? I gambled.

“My skills don’t extend to PHP. As for JQuery, he is ok, I know he has a bad reputation but I think he is a good guy”. I say smugly.

Alan sits there. Silence. Utter silence.

I casually sip my water, lean back and….fall off my chair.

Alan, completely and utterly bewildered by our exchange asks me question 3. “So, I see you have created your own foundation. That is very impressive. Tell me, what does the foundation do? How much money is raised? Do you have any volunteers? Oh, and why Seals?”. Now, I should of prepared myself for this. If you write down that you created your own charity foundation there is a high chance that they will ask you about it. Alas, I didn’t prepare. I watched Blue Planet, saw a cute seal and the rest was history…

“Firstly, thank you. So the foundation (thinking completely on my feet) takes in wild seals who have been injured by oil tanker spillages (an unbelievable cover from me, even I believed me). We are a team of 4 and rely on donations from Joe Public (yes I used the phrase ‘Joe Public’). Why Seals? That’s a fair question (buying myself time). I guess it goes back to when my granddad and I (I have never seen my granddad – he died before I was born) went to Tilbury (never been), the Thames, and saw the damage the oil had done to the Seals that were there in the water”. I was now beyond smug.

“Tilbury. There are seals in Tilbury?” Alan says.

“Erm….Yes, mainly white ones” what on earth was I saying.

Cue more silence.

Finally, the last question.

“Eine große Anzahl von Ihren Aufgaben wird es sein, ein Team im Ausland zu verwalten. Bist du in Ordnung mit diesem?” said Alan.

“Pardon” says me.

I thought I’d ask you one question in German, see how good you are “Eine große Anzahl von Ihren Aufgaben wird es sein, ein Team im Ausland zu verwalten. Bist du in Ordnung mit diesem?”.

Oh my.

Pause.

Long Pause.

“Ich wasse sportmoglichkeiten ins Southend ja”.

“You have just told me there ar

e water sports opportunities in Southend. I asked if you were comfortable running a team based abroad. Your response was that there are water sports opportunities in Southend.”

Silence.

“I’ll get my coat” I say. By this time Alan has left.

Never lie on a CV…