Mothers and Technology

Often people say life is to short for regrets. They’re right to an extent but a regret I hold with me, that haunts me, is buying my mother a mobile phone. A Nokia 32-10 to be precise.

My mum and technology of any kind is not a match made in heaven, she still struggles with the mechanical pencil. I remember it vividly, it was Christmas 4 years ago, I’d forgotten to get her a present. I panicked and had a set of tea towels in my hand, as I walked up to the cashier with said tea towels I feared my mothers backlash, even though they were John Lewis tea towels. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a mobile phone deal that John Lewis were proudly displaying. I strolled over, wiped the sweat off my brow with one of the tea towels and I picked up the phone. A grey Nokia 32-10. Stuff it, I’d get it. She loved the homephone and a 3210 was about as advanced Windows Vista.

The next morning she unwrapped it and was very, very excited. Suddenly the griddle pan my dad had bought her looked inept. I agreed to set it up for her and created some contacts me, home, my brother Nick and my other brother Matt. I also put Reney’s number in. And I told her what to do to make calls.

Well that was it – for the rest of Christmas she was off and running. I’d be upstairs trying to enjoy some ‘alone time’ with Emma and I’d get a call. “Your dinner is ready”. My mum was downstairs! Why was she ringing me? She was an addict – always bloody ringing me. She developed some more annoying quirks as well. I’d ring my mum (to let her know when I needed dinner) and the phone would ring and ring until it went to voicemail. Now I knew that the phone was in my mum’s bag. I also knew she could hear it. The issue with my mum is that she didn’t have a compartment – somewhere where she could access the phone quickly. As soon as that phone rung it was like a bomb was about to go off – wherever she was – things would be tossed out the bag. The brolly, the lippy, make up, address book, a scarf – all tossed to the floor. My dad not helping by saying ‘I think your phones ringing Pam’ – my mum would repeat this mistake everyday and just refuse to learn. So I’d then get a call back and she’d say “Can you ring me back cos I have no credit”. My mum knows what credit is – frightening. My mum is the only person left in the UK who still is on pay as you go. Anyway, I’d ring back and she’d say “Did you call?”. What a stupid question – on her phone it clearly says ‘1 missed call Stan’. My mum would sound out of breath because of the frantic search for the phone. The conversation begins, she confirms the dinner is beef and then she drops the bombshell “Will you teach me how to text?”.

Ahh man. This is not good. This is not good at all. I decide to teach her predicted text – I think this will be easier for her to understand. One of my mum’s best friends Kate will have to get ready to be called Late for the rest of her life. My mum does not get texting at all but she loves it. I try to teach her the grammar keys but I may as well be talking to the cat – literally not a clue. She’s off and running on the texting front now – she tries to use text speak – luv Pam x. Two problems with this: 1. She’s an English teacher. 2. Why end it Pam? You’re my mum. I’ve never called you Pam in my life.

It also means I now get drunk texts. She feels the need to send my brothers and I the exact same text even if she is only addressing Matt. “Hello Matt r u ok Tom has got of on the shots luv Pam”. It takes a team of experts to understand what is going on here. First off, I am not Matt yet I have got the text anyway. 2nd, the lack of grammar kills me. 3rd after much time I realise “Tom has got of on the shots” should read “Tom has got me on the shots”. She just hasn’t got the hang of this predicted text lark. Wherever I go, wherever she goes I am getting text after text. I ignore her but she then starts writing ‘tb’ or I’ll get my dad on the homephone ‘did you get your mothers text?”. When I am at home each text she receives is celebrated like she has just won a full house at bingo. She doesn’t know how to add contacts, she only has 5 people in her phone, she doesn’t play snake and she has no contract – the phone is pointless but she loves it. I’ve created a beast. She told me yesterday ‘I want an iPhone and then I can get that Facetwitter thing’. Kill me now.

In short, if struggling for presents for your mother just get her tea towels.