Idiots and Aeroplanes

What an invention the aeroplane is. The main reason the invention, for me, is one of the greatest ever is because it has led to some of the truly great moments in life. By great moments I obviously mean stupid moments. So stupid that it actually hurts me.

The invention of the aeroplane has also meant the invention of people having to ask stupid, stupid questions. I arrive at the desk to check in. I am asked by the lady behind the desk ‘Has anyone packed anything without your knowledge?”. Every time I want to say something. Every time I want to say do you not realise what you asking me? This is a trick question. I don’t see how the answer to this question can ever be yes. How do I know if someone has packed something without my knowledge? The very fact I do not have knowledge on this means that I do not know if someone has packed something – the clue is in the question! The next question is ‘Please look at the card, have you packed any of those items’. The card shows me, what I think is the instruction manual to Call of Duty – grenades, knives, guns and rocket launchers. I would love to know the amount of people, who have every intention of bringing mass carnage to the airport, go ‘oh you know what – you’ve got me. I was going to blow up the airport but my mother always told me not to lie so here, have my grenades”.

The aeroplane has been directly responsible for the baggage allowance rule. This really is a beauty. You are told you have either a 20kg limit or a bag size limit. I have never understood this. I often get on planes with clinically obese people – if there is no weight limit on people why place them on bags? Would I be allowed to wear every item of clothing I own on to the plane – the baggage allowance does not make this clear. The aeroplane is directly responsible for one fifth of today’s rows and these all stem from baggage allowance. Your mum or girlfriend will always, without fail, be over the limit. The way you know this – you do the pre weigh. Before you go to the airport you are plagued by fear that you’re over. You dust off the scales and you weigh the bags. However you have electronic scales which makes the weighing of the bag hard. You therefore weigh yourself without the bag. You then hold the bag and get back on the scales. You then work out the difference between the two weights. The first row that ensues is around the maths used that has meant that the wife is 1KG over. Once that row has concluded the wife has to decide which item(s) to leave behind. She looks at your case and wonders if she can place items in there – you obviously say no because you are a man and you are stubborn and you’ve got your case organised – you don’t want someone else’s items in there messing up your system. So the task begins – which of the 17 dresses will be left behind for the 4 day break to Bruges?

You’ve flown budget airline – you can’t afford anything more. That is fine. The problem with that though is that everyone patiently sits waiting for all of 3 seconds. All it takes is a twitch. The old man near the gate to decide he needs a leak. The old man gets up to go to toilet and sets off a chain reaction resembling dominoes. Suddenly everyone stands to attention. Gate 23 becomes a warzone. Bodies get trampled over. The desire to have a good slot in the line never ceases to amaze me. Budget airlines all have the same seats – one seat is not better than the other. Yet people will stand for hours to keep their place in the line. Yes they get on the plane quicker but it isn’t leaving without me. You’re just on the plane longer.

Finally, the aeroplane is home of the most ridiculous instruction. I get on to my budget plane. I have my ticket in hand. I look left and see hundreds of seats. I look right and see the pilots cabin. Yet amazingly they employ an air steward or air stewardess to stand at the front of the plane, to take your ticket from you, who then instructs you ‘Yes it is just down there sir’. I mean, I would never have worked that out! It would be amazing if you remove this function – what would happen? Would people suddenly not be able to find their seats?

I could go on and on. I haven’t even looked at arriving at the airport two hours early (I just don’t understand why people do that!). I haven’t mentioned that despite it being 6AM you will, without fail, have a steak from Garfunkles – the official sponsor of the airport. I haven’t mentioned that Tie Rack only seems to exist in airports.

The aeroplane is a great invention – it has created people to behave like buffoons.