The minefield of dating…

Being a man entering into a relationship is a very funny experience.

Before you enter the relationship you (the man) have to ‘see’ the girl for a while. I have never really understood the term ‘seeing’ each other; but nonetheless that is the industry standard phrase – who am I to argue? The ‘seeing’ phase is fraught with danger. It starts from how long you take to text back. There are no rules on this subject – the girls dictate what happens here. You don’t want to appear too keen, you don’t want to appear disinterested. You text her back after 5 minutes then I think it is universally accepted that that is game over. You text her back after 24 hours and what was the fucking point in her asking you ‘cinema tonight’ – the cinema has been and gone.

Then there are questions and kisses to consider. You obviously have to ask one question otherwise you are risking her not texting back but you don’t want to ask her more questions than Jeremy Paxman because you may as well accept you will be alone with just your sock for company. Then there is a minefield of ‘kisses’ – no kisses makes you seem cold, one kiss and your unimaginative, two kisses is bold and three or more just equals sock. The problem I have for this whole ‘seeing’ phase and the text message rules is that I couldn’t give two shits. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know the rules. I pretend I know the rules, I pretend that I understand but I don’t nor do I want to play this stupid, stupid game, that you insist we play. Explain to me why you text me, I text you back after 20 minutes, you text me back instantly asking me a follow up question and then I (wrongly apparently) think this is a perfectly acceptable time to text you straight back with a question for you for you to only take 27 hours to reply. Your phone could not have disappeared. Was this a game? Was this some sort of test? What you’ve now done is place doubt in mind – am I supposed to take 27 hours to then reply. Also whilst we’re there – why mix your kisses – stick at one and help me, don’t lose the kiss after I take 27 hours to reply.

Once we’ve got the texting charade over with we meet. Now I normally would take this as a good sign. We’ve texted for 3 weeks. We’ve lived out a relationship via text. I’ve followed all the rules and text back at appropriate times, asked a sensible number of questions and stuck to one kiss throughout the texts. I am within my right to think this is a date. We have a great night. You talk to me about starsigns and what Aquarius’ are like in bed based on the zodiac signs (zodiac signs that I have entertained all night in the hope of at least a goodbye kiss). This to me is a clear sign you’re into me. You know what you’re doing here but this is another test isn’t it? When we say goodbye at the train station you want to see me suffer, sweat and struggle as I don’t know whether to high five you, kiss you on the cheek, shake your hand or pull your face off. The starsign conversation makes me think you want the latter but then you don’t do anything. You stand there. Ice cold. You make me make the move. Trying to read you is like trying to know what the final two cards the ‘devilfish’ has in the World Series – I can’t read women. When will you realise this. I crack a joke – humour is all I have in this situation. I feign interest about your train home and talk bollocks about ‘oh you’re going to get home late, sorry’. I am not sorry – I am just looking for a sign, anything, that you want something more than a high five. You remain unmoved like Stonehenge. I then go for a kiss on the cheek – I kind of hope it could lead into a kiss on the lips and sure enough it does. Did you orchestrate that kiss on the lips – did you want a pull or was you going for the other cheek and we just kind of met in the middle? This is what you do to me! I leave not knowing if I was on a date, not knowing if you like me, not knowing if I have just had a genuine first kiss.

I get off the tube and see I have two messages both from you. The second one suggests you would like to do this again – now I KNOW this is a good sign. In my excitement I text you back instantly (forgetting the rules) and suggest the weekend. No text back. Back to the stupid texting games – you just sent me a text woman! Your phone is right there! You respond, a day later, saying you can’t do that weekend – no reason is given. This, by the way, makes us guys feel immense. This is yet another test. You want to see me. I want to see you. But seeing each other is too easy isn’t it? Instead you want to test me to see just how much I want to see you so you turn me down and then see if I ask again. Because I am pathetic I will keep asking until you say yes. I date by erosion – I ware you down. I ware you down to the point of a relationship.

That conversation is a nightmare. There is no rulebook – you don’t just glide into a relationship. You have to have ‘the chat’ and you’re not legally in a relationship until you change your Facebook relationship status. The best trick I have learned is to get the girl pissed and then ask her if we’re together. If she says no then hopefully she won’t remember in the morning cos she is that battered. If she says yes she’ll send you a soppy message at that time which she will then look at it in the morning, remember what she has said, freak out and then accept there is no way out – relationship by default. A relationship is a whole new game, I thought the last games rules were bizarre – these new rules are gold!

First, and maybe my favourite. Girl “What’s wrong” Boy “Nothing” Girl “I don’t believe you. Tell me”. There’s genuinely nothing wrong except whilst we’ve been having this conversation I’ve missed the United goal. For some reason though you are unwilling to believe there is nothing wrong. One of two things now happen – either you go quiet or, me knowing this, I make up a fake explanation as to what is wrong. “Oh yeh, no sorry I just had a shit day at work”. I didn’t have shit day at work. I got promoted today at work. But knowing that you think I am quiet and something is wrong it is easier for me to lie than to either persuade you otherwise or to put up with the painful silence and tutting for the rest of the night.

Second, and again following on the mistrust lines “Your friends are going to hate me aren’t they?” – and now there are no words in my vocabulary it seems that can persuade you my mates will in fact like you. I use reasoned debate, I even make up that big John says hello and that he can’t wait to meet you. Big John doesn’t give a shit! Boy’s mates are simple folk – you buy them a lager and suddenly you are family. It is that simple.

Third, apparently I am not allowed to see you without makeup? This is very strange to me. Given that we’re together I try and persuade you that I am not going to break up with you if I see your face naked. Men behave the exact opposite way – we try and impress you before we get you but once we’ve snared you daily showers becomes thrice weekly showers, pounds get piled on and it is likely we will burp. Embrace it. That’s why we went through the agony of ‘seeing’ each other – so that we could look hideous together and not care.

Fourth, daily night phone calls. This is very bizarre. As soon as we sign on the dotted facebook relationship line we suddenly up the phonecall frequency. I am not good on a phone. Let’s leave it to text. I’ll text you back after 27 hours…honest.